Wednesday, January 8, 2014

In His Loving care

I cannot believe I am in this situation. I have always helped others and been there for others. I have worked since I was 16 years old. Put myself through college with three young kids after leaving a abusive marriage where I was beaten often. I became a nurse and made great money but because I didn't get child support and other things hit me in life I am no reserves.

I have used every last dollar to make it to this day. I was recently terminated from a job and they provided a slanderous lie to unemployment to cost me that and even correcting this slanderous lie is taking time and after talking to attorneys it is looking so hopeless. Attorneys want money that I don't have. In the end they won't be able to back up the lie but I am losing my home in the mean time and my babies (my two chocolate labradors) and I also take care of my son who has PTSD and severe disabilities as a Navy Vet.

He counts on me for a roof over his head, management of his medications and so many things. This is exacerbating his symptoms and I have become so hopeless. I apply for jobs and get no calls because I am 52. Even if I do get a job I am in fear that I have been suffering with a herniated disc that causes so much pain that I can barely work much less do anything else. For years that is all I have done is work and barely accomplish anything else. I knew nothing but work - work - work to get by.

 I can't go without my pain meds. I wake up in severe pain and can't move for hours. I can't afford the pain meds and put off taking them because of that and suffer. I really shouldn't be working but can't afford to starve and lose everything waiting for disability so I continued to work and hide this.

My fear now is that I will not get a job because of a drug screen (not even a high risk drug) and I literally cannot go without my pain meds long enough to have a clean drug screen. I can't go a day without them. I hurt my back in my job but chose to keep working rather than take workman's comp or anything else. I chose to work and make money and now that is coming back to haunt me.

My back is severely damaged and the pain is so unbearable. I wake up wanting to just die. If I do work I start my day in so much pain and have to take more meds to get through my job. I am to the point that housework is so difficult. I am so scared. I never saw this coming.

I was a work horse - worked a lot of overtime and sometimes 2-3 jobs to take care of my kids. Now I have nothing. I can't make my rent in less than a week. I can't pay my car that I will still owe for if they take it.

 We have been going without food. I live in fear of being able to afford my pain meds because I want to die due to the pain. I have no clue what to do. I was too proud to do this and always found a way and I am not finding it this time. It scares me what will happen to my son without me. He was so suicidal until I found out what was going on and it has taken two years to get him somewhat stable but this is not helping him. It is killing me to look at my dogs and face losing them and knowing how this will break their hearts. I am so uncomfortable asking for help but I have no choice.

 I have always helped others and to ask for help is out of my comfort zone.

If you can find it in your hearts, to pray for me in Christ's name to alleviate my pain and bring me closer to God.

This would be greatly appreciated.

Praise be to God!